Ways to build rapport at home with your children

It is perfectly understandable that many working parents will worry about their children when they’re apart – especially when thinking of their teenager’s emotions when they’re not there to support them.

Finding out about the worries your child might be facing can be a difficult thing for parents to approach. And it’s no surprise your concerns about their wellbeing can be on your mind throughout the working day.

Every one of us – no matter our age – have the same set of innate resources that help us through our daily lives. One of those which can help in this case is Rapport.

It is an incredibly useful tool which helps us both connect and empathise with other people – but when speaking with teenagers, there’s a balancing act between involving yourself in their lives while respecting their boundaries. Their emotional needs for Privacy and Control need to be respected, after all.

Here, Suzanne Harris, Children’ Families and Young People’s Facilitator at our sister company Suffolk Mind, gives some useful tips to working parents on how to build Rapport with their children.

Showing that you care

Building rapport is a way to break the ice, breaking down the barriers to conversation while showing you are there to support someone through whatever is troubling them.

The first step to doing that is creating a comfortable and accepting environment for your children to open up and share their feelings. That means it’s important for you to be in a calm mood, free of any stresses you might be feeling yourself from the working day.

A way to start the conversation could be saying you have noticed they look anxious or overwhelmed, that you care about them and ask if there’s anything you can do to help.

Talk to them when they are in the mood to talk – there’s no point talking to someone if they are not in that headspace.

Remember – it’s all about creating that comfortable space for conversation.

Don't sweat the small stuff

Just like in the workplace, at home there are also times when it’s best to pick your battles. In the case of building rapport with your children, that means not scrutinising the little things.

That could be anything from a messy bedroom or how they may have been neglecting a household chore. But remember – if they are worried about something, this may be a consequence of that anxiety.

Make sure to choose a calm and comfortable time to speak to them. You will likely find it difficult to create that suitable environment for opening up otherwise.

Reflective Listening

Reflective Listening is another of our innate resources – and often goes hand-in-hand with building Rapport.

It involves feeding back what the speaker has said to show we have listened and to check our understanding. You’ll likely use it every day at work without even realising.

Absorb what they are saying and say it back to them so they know you are on the same wavelength – it can really help to show you are listening and that you understand their point of view. You can also try summing up what they have said, to show you are following their train of thought.

If you are not paying attention to what they are saying, or look like you are distracted, they will feel you do not care about their concerns.

Suffolk Mind has produced a useful video on how to practise reflective listening to help you develop this important skill. It could even make a big difference to your work life if you’re a manager dealing with concerns from staff.

Sitting side-by-side

When talking about your feelings, it can be difficult to do so when face-to-face with someone.

You’re speaking with your child, not conducting a job interview – so consider sitting side-by-side instead to build that more comfortable space.

When you open up and talk about your deepest feelings with someone looking directly at you at any age – like you are under scrutiny or being tested.

Sitting side-by-side gives you the space to open up without the tension that full eye contact can often bring.

Open questions

Most parents of teenagers will know what happens when you ask them “how was your day” – “alright, I guess” is often the answer.

If you are talking to your child about what they have been up to, it is best to ask open questions to avoid one word answers and to show you are genuinely interested.

Instead of “how was your day”, ask “what made you laugh at school today?” or “who did you talk with at lunchtime?”.

These more open questions will help open up a conversation and build rapport.

Respect their privacy and decision making

For teenagers, it is important you respect their privacy and their ability to make their own decisions.

They are finding their way in the world, all while living under your roof and rules, so can feel their emotional needs for Privacy and Control are affected.

With teenagers, avoid giving advice. Instead, think about giving suggestions.

Rather than “you should do this”, say “have you thought of doing this”.

Teenagers want to feel in control of their lives, and this can help them feel they are still in charge of their decision making.

It takes time

Building rapport is something that takes time. Don’t expect it to happen overnight.

There will be some days when your children are happy and open to talk, and other days they won’t be. But that’s ok.

There will be times when they will feel stressed – around exams or other struggles – but that’s perfectly natural. It’s ok for them to not be ok sometimes.

The important thing is they know you are there for them if they need you, that you are a long-term advocate, and that if they don’t want to talk today, you will be there for them tomorrow.

Learn more about our Emotional Needs & Resources and the ways they apply to work and home life.